We started our Bringing Sexy Back class by talking about the Sexual Ecosystem.  

Let’s think about what an ecosystem is: it’s an interconnected web of living things that support each other to create a living, thriving, alive, vibrant, sustainable environment.  

Don’t you want your sex life to be a living, thriving, alive, vibrant, sustainable part of your life?  

In an ecosystem, the parts are interdependent. They rely on one another. If one part starts to wither or break down, it impacts the other things. Sometimes parts may not recover and might die. 

When the roots of big trees intermingle underground, they are not only trying to play footsies with each other, but the trees who have an abundance of nutrients share those nutrients with the trees that are more in need. Then the whole grove thrives. (What a concept!) Trees are so smart. 

Your sex life has interconnected parts that impact each other. If one thing is breaking down, other parts will be affected. If some parts are really strong, they can sometimes pull up the weaker parts.  

Your sexual ecosystem is a collection of things that impact and live within your sexual life.  

There are at least ten things I have identified that are part of your ecosystem. I want to talk about a couple of them.  

The first critical part of your sexual ecosystem I want to talk about are your emotions 

Everyone has emotions about sex, and emotions that are impacted by sex.  

What is happening for you emotionally, both in a general sense, and as your emotions relate to sex, is hugely important for how healthy your sexual ecosystem is.  

Some questions you might consider in order to get a read on the emotional tenor that is affecting your sexuality:  

  • How are my emotional states affecting my sex life?  
  • Does my stress impact it? How?  
  • What am I actually feeling about sex?  
  • What comes up emotionally for me during sex? After sex?  
  • Are there emotions that come up in me that have me avoid sex? Get angry or demanding about sex? 
  • What is the overall emotional vibe in my home and in my relationship, (if in one)? 

Whether you are handling your emotional life effectively, utilizing thoughtful and skillful emotional coping mechanisms, and keeping your defensive patterns in check is critical for the health of your sex life—and your body, for that matter.  

If you have unprocessed emotions that have not been addressed and are leaking out in your relationship, that could be wildly unproductive and even toxic to your relationship.  

On the other side of the coin, if you are emotionally healthy and have strong communication in your relationship, that goes a long way for building trust and vulnerability, which can create deeper sexual connection and experiences.  

Your sexual ecosystem thrives when you are thriving emotionally and developing yourself at an emotional level. It supports you to be happy and fully expressed sexually.  

The second element of your sexual ecosystem is your past. We all have past baggage, and your past is part of your sexual ecosystem. 

Some questions you might ask about how your past is impacting your sexual ecosystem are: 

  • What past experiences am I bringing into my relationship?  
  • What is the baggage I’ve come in with about sex, love, communication, desirability or family that impacts me now?  
  • What past relationships are still unresolved that might be creeping into my life or my current relationship 

It is not uncommon to create past experiences within your current relationship that may be impacting you now. Everything from dealing with death, poor communication patterns, parental dynamics, a difficult or positive start to your current sexual relationship, or old resentments will affect you now.  

What belief do you have in the ability of your relationship to survive given your past history?  

The truth is that every relationship is our teacher, and each one is an opportunity to till the soil of the last crop. We get to compost the old experiences and make them into something beautiful and wise that supports our current relating, growth and happiness.  

To miss the opportunity is unfortunate and will mean we will continue to live in that past until we process it and release it. It’s those past experiences that hurt the most that usually keep popping up, hurting us over and over again, until we address it.  

If it’s bad, it becomes a toxic environment where growth cannot occur.  

If we are committed to healing, it can be a beautiful blossoming in the relationship that is now suited to where you are in your current growth.  

Your own ecosystem gets stronger and you become ready for more powerful, aligned relationships.  

How are your emotions and/or your past currently affecting your sexuality or your relationship?