I’ve been thinking a lot lately about commitment. Women often come to me because they want the perfect relationship. They want someone to show up for them, to be true, not to stray, to be present and authentic. They want to be fully loved. And they can’t figure out why they’ve never had that.
Well, start by asking if you are those things yourself. Are you true, present and authentic with yourself? Do you show up for you? Do you stray, and leave yourself for someone else? Do you fully love you?
If you’ve never had a serious relationship with someone else, look at how commitment shows up in your life, or how YOU show up for COMMITMENT. Do you do what you say you will? When your process gets hard, do you distract yourself, go somewhere else, do something else? Or do you stay committed and see it through?
How do you do with friendships? Do you give them what you say you can? Do you even know what you can give? Are you honest, and then do you follow through?
Sometimes people come together with completely different levels of commitment. One is committed, in it to win it, ready to sacrifice in order to create something bigger than themselves with another. The other is not fully invested, not in it, and is pretending to be where the other is. Uh-oh. Trouble on the rise. The beginning of the end if you are paying attention.
Or another scenario happens. One person is committed for the wrong reasons. They are scared, afraid to be alone, afraid they can’t take care of themselves, afraid they won’t find someone better, afraid….of all kinds of things, so they attach themselves to the other and they call it commitment. It’s not true commitment, it’s unhealthy co- dependency. The other person will feel the heaviness of the responsibility put upon them and they will evade, pretend, do their best to please, or they’ll get resentful, frustrated and feel backed into a corner. That will usually lead to some kind of cheating or betrayal when they can’t take it anymore. Neither person is really committed. Another recipe for hurt and disillusionment.
Look at how you do commitment with a humble honest eye.
How does that serve me?
What does it mean to me?
Is it a way to make myself superior?
Is it something that’s really meaningful to me?
Am I genuinely building something in my relationships?
What am I building?
Is it to serve my ego? Or my growth? My higher purpose in life?
When a person comes to me wanting relationship help, these are the things we’ve got to uncover. How do you do commitment? And where does it break down? Because if you don’t really do the work to figure that out, you’ll keep recreating the dissatisfying scenarios that keep you stuck in your life and frustrated in your relationships.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is end a commitment and walk away. And sometimes you need to practice staying in it and building something. When you do that with someone else who is doing it with you, it’s worth it. Even when it’s hard and you want to run. And the intimacy you build together in that process is what most people really want, they just forget that it comes with the territory of discomfort and vulnerability. You mean I have to take risks again.
If you want to go deeper, you sure do.
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