This material is adapted from Amy Jo’s class, “The 5 Biggest Mistakes Couples Make When It Comes to Sex… and What to Do About It.

Read parts 1, 2, 3 & 4

Finally, the fifth biggest mistake that couples make about sex is that they settle for whatever they have, thinking it’s normal. They don’t get any help or talk to anyone about it, and just stay in their unhappy bubble, convincing themselves that all the other things they love about their partner are enough. In a word, they sacrifice sex.

Sacrifice is what most long term couples do when it comes to their sexual life. They sacrifice sex, pleasure, fulfillment and ecstasy so they can have a comfortable life and not have to disrupt the routine they are used to. They tell themselves they stay together for the kids, and that they really enjoy their partner and have fun together. And that’s always true. The question is, at what price? And are you okay with that? There isn’t one answer…maybe you are. That’s okay if it is.

But if you really want to have a vibrant sexual life and you are in a monogamous relationship, then you better start working on it with your partner and get out of your comfort zone. You do not have to sacrifice sex AND, it’s not going to be comfortable.

I believe wholeheartedly you can have it all. You really can. Stop telling yourself you can’t or that you don’t deserve it or that it’s just not in the cards for you. It is. But you have to do the work. You have to bring it to the fore and keep it there. You can’t bury your sexual issues. You have to address them head on with compassion.

I do not support anyone in settling. I think that’s just not living fully. Why would you choose not to fully live your one precious life? It goes by fast and there is so much to experience and explore! Your sexuality is a gift you were given to allow yourself to experience life more deeply, passionately, sensually and meaningfully. The transformation that can happen when your sexual vibrancy is alive and fully expressed is astonishing. When you have mind-blowing sex that transcends the worlds, you are unstoppable in their ecstatic living. When you are so present in their ecstasy, you feel and experience your body in a totally new way.

Who wouldn’t want that? Who wouldn’t want to explore the road to sexual ecstasy? It’s there for you just as much as it’s there for everybody else.

So if you are settling, you have to ask yourself what exactly you are settling for. What is being exchanged? Why do you believe you have to accept this false exchange?  What would it mean to not compromise all you want to have in a partner/lover/relationship?

You are an erotic being and your erotic energy is what you use to create everything in your life. When you don’t tend to it, it dulls your energy, vibrancy and life force. It dulls your creativity. It makes everything less fun. I don’t vote for less fun. Let’s go for more fun, more ecstasy, more play, more pleasure.