I am back from a wild month of travels that included my 8-day LoveSkin Retreat which was just beyond phenomenal!
One of the major things that we address at my retreats—not only by actively talking about it, but in the whole nature of the work—is sexual shame. We’ve all got too much of it, years of cobwebs stuck to us with all the dust and grit of our journeys.
Shame has an interesting way of teaching us, and I think the most magnificent moment of that teaching is when someone decides they are DONE with their shame, sheds it and lets it go, so it never has power over them again.
This is one of the greatest joys of this sexual empowerment work: the shedding process. The releasing. The decision that I will no longer be held back by this amorphous thing I’ve given too much power to. I will drop it now…and here is who I get to be instead.
We shed shame around many things and one of the fun parts is the shedding of toy shame.
So many people have this idea that to want sex toys or other pleasure enhancements means something is wrong with us.
That if we can’t have an orgasm au natural with hands and body parts only, then it’s not good enough or authentic enough. Not organic enough.
That if we want our vibrator, it somehow cheapens the experience.
That if a bio-cock is done we can’t keep going using a dildo.
This is Toy Shame and we get to let that shit go!
You get to cum in whatever way pleases you. If that includes toys, then you get to have all the toys you want.
We don’t tell ourselves that if we use an extra technology gadget it makes whatever we are producing less good.
Or that if we get a new kitchen toy that it will cheapen the food.
We have toys in so many aspects of our lives that enhance our living and all we do, make it easier, more fun or enjoyable.
Who doesn’t love a great toy?
Maybe some people don’t love all the toys, sure. But I can tell you from all my years teaching sexuality that many people with vulvas have their first orgasm because of a great vibrator. That was true for me.
How can that be bad?
If it took a vibrator to have an orgasm, we could ask other questions about that, like:
“Do I need more sex education so I can learn my pleasure body?” Check.
“Do me and my partner need to learn more sexual skills?” Check.
“Are there things the vibrator does that we could learn from to enhance all the sex we have?” Sure!
“What is the toy shame really about?” Yeah, let’s dig into that.
Toy shame is about a few things. One, the inane culturally perpetuated idea that one sexual partner should be able to meet all of our sexual needs for life and if they can’t, something is wrong.
Listen, NO human can meet all of another human’s needs. This is part of the breakdown so many people are having in their marriages.
We have unrealistic expectations about what a relationship should be like and what needs it must serve. We get to learn to meet our needs in a variety of places, and not put pressure on one person—or one cock or pussy for that matter, to meet every desire.
That means we get to get creative and learn new ways to get off and experience pleasure. Toys are a delightful enhancement to that pleasure and creativity.
We tend to reward creative effort and your sex life is no different. Creativity is what keeps things juicy and toys help you get innovative.
Toy shame might also be about limited ideas about what sex actually is. Sex is many things to different people and for some, it doesn’t even involve genitals much of the time.
How are you defining sex?
Do you and your partner define it the same way? Not likely.
That is a juicy intimate conversation to have.
I have a great big chest of toys. Sometimes I pull all kinds of things out of it. Sometimes it’s yummy to just have naked bodies. Depends on the day, my mood, my partner’s mood, my energy and so forth.
Ten Reasons to Open Up Your Sex Life to Toys
- Toys are always in the mood.
- Electric toys can keep going when tongues, hands, wrists, penises, vulvas or knees get tired.
- Many toys increase blood flow and circulation and have other positive physiological effects on our arousal that lube our gears and keep us humming.
- Toys don’t complain or resist.
- You might have new kinds of pleasure and orgasms you would never otherwise experience with a delicious toy.
- Toys are fun and help us mix it up!
- Toys can be used for partner-sex or solo.
- Today, the beautiful designer toys are well made and last a long time.
- You might discover a new proclivity or kink you have by trying out new toys.
- You’ll never rely on someone else for your orgasm again.
Toys are an option—and a really good one. We are fortunate to have so many possibilities. Let yourself live a little and liven up your sex routines. And if you’re already hip to toys—see what’s new. I’m constantly amazed.
P.S. If you want to learn more ways to enhance your sex life, some spots have opened up in A’magine’s calendar. Book a call today.